losing my mind but I'm ok with it

its so funny that just a year ago I was so done with my sister, and any life that had to do with her. I deleted friends just because they knew her. what is so funny is what brought us back together is the fact we both got pregnant. things are working out well for her but as for me im not sure it ever will. and im ok with that I think? I had Brionna for many years I just wish we had a better understanding for one another. I have always been Dillon's mom it had to be faith. he looks like me talks like me and has the same defiant matter of fact personality. this world is so crazy and the dips and valley's the climes we run we walk some crawl be either way we are all moving. nothing stays the same flowers bloom and then weather, babies are born and grow to be men and woman some never see that the truth is that we all are here for a shot time and if you want to be happy then you have to do it. others cant. if your mad your only made because you let yours self do it. I say all the time I just cant stop what im thinking about and when I sit down to write it, it never really comes out right. all I can do is write for me and if someone happens to take a look and want to reply go head.

I don't know where I was going with this just little things running around in my head. I keep looking for the light, the sliver lining. no matter how dark there is a lite at the end and a point and end to this page. LOL im losing my mind but im ok with it!

Just what is it

at this point in my life I have never felt so happy but sad, determined yet lifeless. everyday feels like I'm just a little closer but really its just that far away. I wish I could just be as happy and content with what's around me but I'm for ever changing what  I want with what I need. its not just about what's there its about what's not. I could just let it be and give in to but I'm a fighter and if I just settled with the 1st hand I was given I wouldn't be me.

I have moments when everything seems fine and my head feels clear and my heart is lite. then I have longer more darker times when I have so much noise that it feel like my heart is running a million miles a min. and my head spins like there is no force stopping it. but no matter how im feeling and where it comes from My head or my heart there is a spot that is ALWAYs open, a part of me that is always looking for the cleaner brighter greener, most loved and pure place. I can ever give in or up on that. I can run from my head and hide from my heart but I cant leave that spot. its the part of me that never gives up.

i may not have been able to be all I wanted but maybe the ones I rasied were.

OK so well its been along time from my last post, I wish I could say life is going get and I have no problems and that my life is turning out just the way I wanted. The fated of the matter is that no matter how hard I try things seem to just slip between my fingers.

For longer then I can even remember I wanted to be a mom, a wife, and some big time professional. I wanted to live in a big city and be the person that help my family together. but times change and people do to. its not that I still do want to be a mom or a wife or even the glue that holds that family together. really for the most part I am all that except the woman that really gets to use her mind. I don't even know what to tell people my talents are, I'm just me!

I a woman that has raised a young girl to hate me. I wish with every part of my being I knew just what I did that was so bad. I feel like I stepped in between a father and daughter and I never wanted to be on that end. I know 1st hand what it is to have a father chose a woman over his kid. Brian has said more then once that these are problems that she has with in her self and just want her to know I love her and have and will do anything to keep her safe.

My now is a very different story. I didn't gave birth to Dillon but from day one he and I had a bond that I never felt could ever be broken. he is 12 and pushing all the limits he can. I am so worried about him right now. 12 is an age that can make or break just what kind or path you are going to lean. Dillon is so far from being what I would call a trouble maker or even a bad example, he just has hard time telling others no. he wants so bad to fix in and just be a part that if he ever dose find himself in BIG trouble its going to be because of that.
in just the last day he and a few other boys, not what I would call friends found them self's in trouble. One of the older boys thought it would be fun to set some trash on fire. will Dillon being Dillon and wanting to hang allowed it. well when it went from being a few papers and leaves to adding gas to the fire I can now can I can a melted can. Thank God no one was hurt but the cops were called and because Dillon was on the seen he will now to questioned and I have not idea if any kind of chargers will be filed. I really hope not. and it has me worried beyond believe.

As for being a wife, I am far from wife of the year. I can say I love my husband and I always seem to want more him then I do my self. after months of watching him not work and sit at home and play games I worry about his state of mind. also I cant help be add that I feel its ripping us apart. I don't need him to make millions of dollars nor do I need him to wait on my hand and off. all I need is a roof over our head and when I say our its more my kids. I need to know that he is going to care for them. I wish I could ask him to be the kind of man that wants date nights and would love to go for walks in the park. but I know its just not him and I can NOT change that. but what I need is for him to be a family man the man to take care of his reasonable and to spend time with them. I will at anytime give my time up as long as its with the kids because they are what matter.

in such a short time its all going to be gone. I cant ever get back the years of Dillon running down the hill with no diper on and his little butt showing the world. and I cant get back the winning shot Brionna made when she 12 in basketball.

today im 21 weeks pregnant and im so worried that im going to do this all my self again. I have told brian over and over I need him. but if he feels no self worth then what am I to do?

it took me years to see that I didn't need to become a doctor, a teacher or some woman that was going to change the world. all it has taken is to know that as along as I try as hard as I can to raise good smart kids honest humans that maybe one day one of them with be able to do just what I was not meant to do. because maybe I was meant too raise the person that was meant to.

I am never alone because I have God in my life!

Alot is going on in my life. I have a ton of feelings going on and I dont even know how to express them all. I just keep praying and praying somemore that I will find peace of mind soon. I dont know whats going to come 1st, what event will make me start to really speak up. I am feeling like I need to be very protective of my family and keep certen other family away. Im worring about my husband and pray that he finds something worthy of his skills. Are needs are being meet and im learning how to strech a buck. I know my family is in gods hands and that he will not let us walk alone.

SAMPLES!!!! LOVE THEM...

Ok so this summer I have found the best way to try new products. I got my self singed up for glossybox and Birchbox. its like getting a little christmas gift everymonth. Both places send out deluex size samples to full size makeup,hair, skin, nail and perfume. sometimes even food LOL I am also wanting to try another place but was put on a waiting list. so far I have just gotten the glossybox and LOVED it!!!! Glossybox is the most costly at $21 but they are all high end products. I have heard good things about birchbox and its $12 so I will be seeing if I want to stay with glossy thinking I may go ahead and try Beauty box 5 and test tube. 

One of my favorit things to do is to go to the mall have my makeup done and try new proudcts. its a great way to pamper your self and have some girl time! most the time they will end up giving you samples. i am such a sucker for buying things after reciveing the samples. also if you are wanting to try a new facewash and worried you will break out and dont want to spend all the money b4 knowing if it really will work for you. any sephora or clinique really anyplace worth there weight in gold will be happy to give you enough in a dish for atleast 2 washings. WHY do they do this, its because they want you to come back and have proudcts that make you look and feel your best. I was looking for a new Concealer and went to my sephora, they gave my Kat Von D lock it tatto concealer. the one sample lasted all month! LOVED it and want and bought it ASAP.

So give it a try ask for a sample get on of the monthly clubs that send them out. there are a ton of places and companys that are more then willing to give us samples.

style summer products I love!!

SO I wanted to just give a little update on my style and make up products that I have been loving this summer. Ok so one off the best places thaat I just could not live with out shopping at is maurices. they have plus size clothes that are always in style. I bought 2 dress at the start of summer and both have been my go to out fits. also I bought 2 pairs of heels and a pair a running shoes. The heels came from lane and bryant and shoedazzle. One is a kiki wedge and the other is 2.25 heel called Judie. both pairs look great with the dresses or jeans. just one reason I got them. wearing a little heal always makes you butt look better! the running shoe I got is skechers Memory Sole. I love them BUT as great as they were for the impacked for my feet they heat up fast. for most thats not a big deal but when you have EB heat is something you want to stay away from!!

Ok so for summer I have a few musts  one a water proof eyeliner and  mascara I love Lancome products for that.also a good bronzer, for me too faced makes the best. stay away from luminizer because durning the summer you already have that natural glow thing going. I also use foundation with a spf. I bought Moisture Surge Moisture  SPF 15 by Clinique. HINT, if you are planning on a big picture day the foundation with a spf will cause a shine. so use a good pressed powder!
For my lips I need Intense moisturizing! So I love the new chubby sticks from clinuque the only down fall is I find I have to apply offten with that so if I need a long lasting lip I use Stay All Day Liquid Lipstick by Stila in Carina or Bellissima. both great summer colors I also use Stila Lip Glaze in kitten. but I use that all year round! great product! not as sticky as most lip gloss. NEXT blog hair and nails....

Blood is not always thicker then water

Growing up I was always taught to be the "Big sister" Look out for your little sister, stand up for her at all times. keep her safe and happy even if that means I put myself in harms way. I cant really remember if she was ever taught to look out for me in anyway. I always loved my sister and put her 1st in just about everyway.

28 years later and all the looking out for her has me no where! I dont know what really happend with her. was it our childhood and the lack of a dad? was it our teen years where she was a little bit of an outcast? or our early adult years where my kids/little family started to come 1st. I dont really know. I do know she fell for some durg addicded drink ass that is worse them my dad and she let him put it in her head that we were all out to get her.

Everyone tells me she is jealous and thats way she is so mean to me. she her self has said that she said things just to hurt me. but we were going to try to work on thing. then I get an email asking my way I said things that where not true to someone. 1st the things she said were not something I would say so she got it wrong or they did and she would not even tell me who they were to I could try to fix or explain. even at that I asked her to find out how long ago these things were said and she said it didnt matter. REALLY?? Because if she wants to go back in the past I could pull of a whole host of crazy hurtful things that she said about me as a mom person and sister.

I dont think she really gets what I have pushed asaid to try to work on a relattionship with her. all of this dose not even add in the facted that she kicked our mom out on the street at 2 am in the middle of the winter with nothing but her PJs on. and a year and a half later she still will not give her back moms things.

Why did I even want to try to work things out? she hurt my mom, she hurt me  over and over and over again. she has hurt my family and hates my inlaws. I have no reason anymore and NO want to make things work. I really think she needs help.

I am far from perfect and I have made my mistakes but there comes apoint when you have to keep the crazy people away! because they just are out to make your life miserable. I hate that its my sister and only sister at that. I dont have brothers, it was just us growing up. but she was never a happy person and I can make her happy.

I can't change the past, we were working forward but its all done its laid to rest. so I guess blood is not always thicker then water.

The past is the past time to stop looking back and thinking it was so great when truly it was very hard to be a big sister. nt that is was my little sister falt all the time but my mom worked and I had no dad so at 8 I had to watch a 6 yearold. maybe if I didnt have to be so responable as a kid then we would have gotten along better? How did we end up so different??